fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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