Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
