Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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