the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
