Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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