If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
