here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We have started to decorate penises.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
FUCK WHALES
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize