I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
