I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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