I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize