My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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