I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize