Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
