my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
