found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just sucked dick on a ferry
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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