Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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