me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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