If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
