I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
