1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
