I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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