Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
