guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
