If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
