I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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