I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
