My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
