i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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