I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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