youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
