there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
