She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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