the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
thus making me awesome and them whores
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
