apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize