I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
