Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
