then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
