billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize