I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
