Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
