We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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