She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need to calm my uterus...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
