Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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