I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
