so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
