At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
