??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
