I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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