Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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