it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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