So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
