Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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