Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
