To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
