Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Is Oprah even human
Randomize