walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
