Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
