If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
last night I used snow as a chaser
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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