worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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