Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
