Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
